The Two Women I’ve Come to Understand: Building From Purpose vs. Building From Survival

As I grow older, I have started paying more attention to women—not just to what we do, but to why we do it.

One thing I have come to realize is that not every woman pursuing financial independence is coming from the same place.

There is the woman who genuinely loves to build. She loves having something of her own, creating businesses, pursuing careers, acquiring assets, learning new skills and working for everything she has. Building is part of who she is. She finds fulfillment in creating something from nothing and watching it grow.

Then there is another woman whose pursuit of financial independence is deeply rooted in survival.

She may have grown up watching her mother depend entirely on her father. Perhaps her mother wasn't given the resources or freedom to explore her interests, build a career, pursue hobbies or have an identity outside being a homemaker.

Maybe she grew up hearing conversations about money, provision and sacrifice.

Maybe she entered adulthood determined that she would never find herself in a position where she had to ask someone for everything.

And so she works.

She takes the job that pays her 500 shillings because 500 shillings is better than having nothing. She starts a business because she needs another source of income. She saves because she remembers what it feels like to lack. She pursues financial freedom because, somewhere deep inside, she believes that having her own money will protect her.

Neither woman is wrong.

In fact, both women deserve the opportunity to build wealth, have careers, own businesses and experience financial freedom.

But I have realized that the reason behind the pursuit can influence the way we experience the journey.

When survival becomes your identity

There is nothing wrong with being motivated by survival.

Sometimes survival is exactly what gets you started.

The problem comes when you remain in survival mode long after the circumstances that created it have changed.

You can become so accustomed to preparing for the worst that you don't know how to enjoy the present.

You can become so afraid of depending on someone that receiving support feels like weakness.

You can become so determined never to need anyone that independence turns into isolation.

You can become so focused on making your own money that you begin to measure your worth by how much you can provide.

And sometimes, without realizing it, the thing that was supposed to liberate you becomes another thing controlling you.

This is why I think the conversation about women, money and independence needs to go deeper.

It is not enough to ask, “Do you have your own money?”

We should also ask:

“What relationship do you have with money?”

Are you building because you have a vision for your life?

Or are you constantly running away from the fear of becoming your mother?

Are you pursuing success because you genuinely desire it?

Or because you are terrified of ever being vulnerable?

Are you building from purpose, or are you building from wounds you haven't had the opportunity to examine?

Our experiences shape the advice we give

This is also why I have learned to be careful about taking every piece of advice I receive about marriage, business and life.

Two women can experience the same situation and give completely different advice because they are looking at it through completely different lenses.

A woman who grew up watching her mother lose herself in a marriage may tell you, “Always have your own money. Never depend on a man.”

Another woman may have grown up in a healthy partnership where both parents contributed differently and supported one another. Her advice might be, “Marriage is partnership. You don't have to approach your husband as though he is your enemy.”

Neither woman is necessarily wrong.

They are speaking from what they know.

Our experiences become the glasses through which we interpret life.

That is why sometimes the advice that sounds empowering to one woman can sound completely foreign to another.

I have had to look inward too

The older I get, the more I realize that personal growth isn't only about changing what is happening around you.

Sometimes, it is about examining what is happening inside you.

I have had to ask myself difficult questions.

Where did my beliefs about money come from?

What did I learn about women and independence while growing up?

What does financial freedom mean to me?

Am I building because I genuinely love building?

Or is there a part of me that is desperately trying to prove that I will never experience lack?

What beliefs about marriage am I carrying that actually belong to someone else's story?

What patterns am I repeating without realizing it?

These questions are uncomfortable, but they are necessary.

Because sometimes we think we are breaking generational patterns simply because we are doing the opposite of what our parents did.

But breaking a pattern is deeper than that.

Breaking generational patterns requires understanding

If your mother was financially dependent on your father, breaking the pattern doesn't necessarily mean deciding that you will never depend on anyone.

It could mean learning to have financial literacy.

It could mean knowing how money works.

It could mean building your own capacity while still understanding the value of partnership.

If your parents struggled financially, breaking the pattern isn't simply about becoming wealthy.

It could mean changing your relationship with money.

Learning to save.

Learning to invest.

Learning to build sustainable businesses.

Learning not to make financial decisions from panic.

Learning that abundance doesn't require you to live in constant fear of losing everything.

And perhaps most importantly, learning that your worth is not determined by how much money you make.

I am learning to build differently

This is where I currently find myself.

I want to build.

I want to work.

I want to own things.

I want to create businesses and opportunities.

I want financial freedom.

But I am also learning to examine the heart behind those desires.

I don't want to spend my entire life running from lack.

I don't want fear to be the reason I work so hard.

I don't want my definition of success to become another prison.

I want to build from purpose.

I want to build from vision.

I want to build from confidence rather than fear.

And I want to be able to receive, collaborate, rest, and enjoy life without feeling as though I am failing simply because I am not constantly hustling.

Perhaps that is another form of financial freedom we don't talk about enough.

Not just having money—but having a healthy relationship with money.

Not just being independent—but knowing that independence and interdependence can coexist.

Not just breaking generational patterns—but understanding the patterns well enough to know which ones need to be broken and which ones are worth keeping.

For me, that is what introspection has become.

A willingness to look at myself honestly and ask:

“Am I building the life I want, or am I simply running away from the life I fear?”

And perhaps the answer can be both.

But knowing the difference is where the real work begins.